Questioning the Sanity of My Faith

Hey Everyone,

Today I'm admittedly struggling as I look back at the last few years, wondering how in the world I ended up here.

Forty-six, single, and barren.

It seems like only yesterday I was forty, single, and barren. 😂How did another six-plus years go by—and the sum total of the changes in my life is... six years? That’s it?

Well—full disclosure—I should probably mention that I’m currently living at a 5-star vacation resort. But that would kind of negate the tone of this blog. LOL.

I know. “Woe is me.”

It’s hard to cry a river when my day-to-day life currently looks like a long-term vacation. But it’s my blog—I’ll cry if I want to.(Lame shout-out to the old sixties song. Was it the sixties? I don’t know. Either way, I obviously grew up listening to my mother’s music.)

Anyway—back to lamenting.

It’s October. This is the month, back in 2011, that I got down on my knees and begged God to save me. It’s a long story—I told it years ago on an old blog I shut down. It feels like a lifetime ago now. I know I should probably retell the story here to give you context, but honestly, that would take too much time.

What matters for this blog… is how excited I was.

I cannot tell you how on fire I was. Such hope for the future!

I was thirty-two, and I finally knew the direction I needed to go.(And no, I’m not talking about church. I know this might sound harsh, but I never did fit into church. I found God on YouTube. And even when I did  try to do the “right thing” by going to church… I still didn’t fit in.)

I started reading the Bible book by book in summer of 2013.Then cover to cover in 2014… and again in 2015. By 2016, I was reading the Bible cover to cover every three months.

I was so sure the Bible would transform my life. That God would fix whatever was wrong with me—whatever had me stuck or afraid—as long as I remained faithful.

ROOTED ASSUMPTION

I thought being Faithful meant being unshakable.

Keep the Faith. Endure to the End. Don't question, don't waver, don't lose hope.

When bad things happen, don't worry. God has a plan and works all things for your good. When things get worse, don't question and just hold on until the end. If you stop believing... you'll miss it.

Faith meant believing no matter what you see or what was happening.

In my own experience, I was being Faithful by reading the Bible. I mean what could be more faithful than reading the Word of God. Right? And I wasn't just reading to myself. I was obeying the Bible by doing the public reading of the Word.

Yet all around me, it felt like my life was going to hell in a handbasket. From work to relationships, everything that had stayed pretty much the same for years and even decades all of a sudden were shifting. And in the moment it didn't look like it was shifting for the better.

Meanwhile, my health took a turn for the worse. In full disclosure, I have always been obese, so obviously I wasn't the pinnacle of health and one could argue that health issues due to my weight were inevitable. But I'd rather believe my life was manifesting something spiritual, because it hurts my pride a little less :)..

I remained publicly reading the Bible though. I held on. I kept enduring like no one's business. LOL.

I think many if not most Christians view Faith the same way as I did.

Believe in God and Endure until the end.

I'm sure they probably say it in a more "Christian" way than I just did, but you understand what I'm saying. And I'm not saying that view is entirely wrong.

But I think the Lord has been... refining my understanding of what faith really is.

Because if faith is only about Believing and Enduring - I'm not sure how a person grows or develops?

REVEALED IMAGE

Imagine raising a child.

Okay, I’ll imagine raising one since I don’t have any—those of you who do can just picture your own parenting experience. LOL.

Children inherently trust that their parents will raise them well—teach them right from wrong, show them how to navigate the world, and eventually turn them into productive adults.(No kid ever says it that way, of course. If yours does, congrats—you’ve got a prodigy on your hands. 😂)

Anyway as a parent imagine raising your child with the current perception of Faith. The basic gist is.. "have Faith, don't question, and endure to the end". The understanding of this Faith is that God is doing all the work. You just have to endure and God will fix everything. You don't have to do anything but hold on until the end.

Imagine a father raising his son.

He’s a good dad. He loves his boy. He works hard, comes home tired, and wants to teach his child how to be strong in life.

So from the time the boy is little, the father repeats the same phrases:

“Have faith in me.” “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” “Don't Question. Just trust me, son. Everything will work out.”

At first, it sounds wise .And when the boy is small, it actually works. He doesn’t need to worry — Dad really does fix everything.

If the toy breaks, Dad glues it. If the kid gets scared at night, Dad checks the closet. If the teacher is mean, Dad emails the school.

He depends on dad for everything. He wants friends - his father will give him social opportunities to help guide him to certain safe friends (like at church). He wants to see his friend - his dad will drive him. He wants to have fun - his father will guide him towards whatever activities like fishing or baseball.

The father feels proud that his son trusts him completely. The son feels safe — for now. His son trusts him to make all the decisions that will lead him to a better life.

But as the boy gets older, realistically that pattern cannot continue.

The father won’t be able to drive his son to all the activities the son wants to do. The son will want to get his own life — and to do that, he’ll need to learn to drive.

The father won’t always be there to pick his friends or mediate his problems. Sooner or later, the boy will have to decide who’s trustworthy, who isn’t, and how to handle conflict when it comes.

And no matter how much the father loves him, he can’t be there twenty-four hours a day to solve every problem. That’s not neglect — that’s reality.

If the boy doesn’t learn to think, choose, and act for himself, he’ll never mature. He’ll stay emotionally young — waiting for someone else to step in and make life work again.

We all know this instinctively. Good parents don’t want their kids to stay dependent forever. They teach them how to think, not just what to think. They help them fall, fail, and learn. They celebrate when their kids start handling things on their own.

That’s how growth works in real life.

But when it comes to God, we think He is different as a parent.

RE-EXAMINED EVIDENCE

Psychology confirms what every parent already knows: children are meant to develop. Waiting, watching, or believing their parents are enough doesn’t make them grow—engagement does.

Children grow by trying things, making mistakes, and taking small risks.

• Piaget’s stages of development show that kids mature by exploring, asking questions, and interacting with the world. They learn through action, not instruction.

• Erik Erikson’s psychosocial stages teach that each age presents a challenge that builds agency—learning autonomy, initiative, and eventually identity.

• Attachment theory (Bowlby/Ainsworth) adds that secure parents don’t eliminate struggle; they create a safe base from which children can explore.

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Good parenting gradually transfers responsibility. You start by holding their hand. Then you teach them to walk alone. You don’t remove every obstacle—you guide them through it.

However, when a child is overprotected or never invited to act, maturity freezes. Psychologists call this arrested development. It often shows up later as:

• Dependence on authority or peers to make decisions

• Fear of failure or taking initiative

• Emotional reactivity instead of regulation

• Difficulty maintaining relationships

• Passivity or indecision in adult life

In short, they never learn how to govern themselves.

In order for growth to happen, active participation is needed to gain confidence and creativity.

• Neuroplasticity: The brain only rewires through repetition and practice. Belief alone doesn't change anything; embodied action does.

• Behavioral Activation: Motivation follows motion. Taking one small step sparks hope and energy for the next.

Growth - whether physical, emotional, or spiritual - requires movement. And Action gives belief Substance.

RE-FRAMED BELIEF

I'm sure you're wondering right now how a blog about faith led to facts about child development. Well here's where it all ties together.

I was watching the Karate Kid recently. Hey, don't Judge me. That movie is a classic for a reason :). Just saying.

Anyway, in the movie Daniel wants to learn Karate. Mr. Miyagi becomes his trainer and he immediately gives Daniel tasks one by one to do.

• Wax the Car. (Who hasn't heard of the phrase "Wax on, Wax Off"? If you haven't... now am totally judging you... LOL)

• Paint the Fence

• Paint the House

• Sand the Floor

Eventually Daniel gets frustrated as these tasks have nothing to do with karate. He felt a little like a slave and the tasks were pointless. In the confrontational scene, Mr. Miyagi showed Daniel how those tasks had built a muscle memory and strength in his body that could be applied to something else... like karate.

You're probably wondering what that has to do with anything :). LOL.

Well I started looking at faith differently. Mr. Miyagi was training Daniel to defend himself. But the training looked quite opposite of karate. Daniel had to trust that his trainer knew how to get him from A to B, from defenseless to fighter.

Mr. Miyagi gave him tasks that were substance of what Daniel hoped for. Those tasks built strength and muscle memory for the karate skills he hoped for.

And I'm starting to wonder if this is a more accurate picture of the Faith God was talking about. I don't think God is saying to have faith in Him, just believe in Him and don't question... the entire point is God wants to take us from childlike believers to Mature Rulers. Faith is about the training actions needed for things hoped for, for your future purpose.

Side Note: I think He wants us to understand, so I believe we need to question away. Ask, seek, and knock... right? I'm not sure where the don't question thing came in as a sign of lack of faith anyway. I mean we are commanded to ask, seek, and knock... and the ones who do are the only ones to get the answers. When Daniel finally exploded to Mr. Miyagi, he did get an answer on how the chores were training him for karate... I'm just saying.

Anyway back to my point, I don't think Faith is passively waiting. I think it's participation - doing a weird action that give form to what we are hoping for. A daily discipline that build unseen strength in preparation for a purpose we are meant to live.

REFLECTIVE INVITATION

At least I am really banking on that idea.

Since 2011, it seems my life has taken some unforeseen roads to the point I have no idea if my actions are Insane or Inspired. From buying a library to quitting my job to becoming a caregiver to moving to Florida.

Right now, I feel like I don't even know which way is up anymore.

I ain't got no job.

No address.

No family of my own.

And honestly at this point. I don't even have an open door. I don't know which way to turn.

Maybe I'm one of those adults with arrested development. I don't know what decision to make, I fear failure, I'm not taking initiative as I wait on God to show me the way, I'm anxious, I don't know about difficulty maintaining relationships - as I don't have any other than one friend... so that's not looking so good :) LOL. And I feel indecisive.

Ouch.

LOL.

On the other hand I was decisive in pursuing the Bible. I had no fear despite the opposition (you wouldn't expect opposition, but yeah that happened). I took the initiative (I even tried to get the Bible is many churches back when I first began even offering to do all the public reading myself - which knowing how shy is a big deal), I pretty much defied authority (rather than being dependent), I made the decision and others followed.

So I could be Insane (labeled under arrested development)... or maybe... just maybe I have been Inspired or led through all these weird steps of Faith or training exercises.

Given I'm currently in Florida without anything to do, it seems like a good time to reflect on these past experiences. Maybe by the end of the series I'll figure out if the only thing I'm accomplished was blowing up my entire life due to a mid life crisis... or if God blew up my life to give me another one. A better one.

I hope you all have a great day!

Jacqueline Marie