Removing the Splinter from My Soul

Hey Everyone,

I'm settling into my new routine and the condo that will be my home for the next year here in Florida. I don't know if any of you do this, but after such a major move, I find myself reflecting on how I got here. Especially since the idea came out of nowhere. At the start of the year, moving wasn’t even on my radar—yet here I am.

For the last couple years I have been doing a planner like many women do (shameless plug... I created a planner called Overthrowing Chaos that is up for sale on Amazon and you can find the link on the Project Page of this website :).). Since I start my annual planner on Rosh Hashanah, around this time of year I start reviewing my last year to see if I met my goals in each of the five areas of life.. And let me tell you... there wasn't a hint of moving in my chosen goals.

If you read the last blog, you know this isn't my first rodeo of questionable life decisions.

Back in 2019, I came to believe the Lord was revealing a different kind of gospel to me—one centered on romance. Not romance in the fairy tale sense, but a relational gospel that emphasized intimacy over servitude. So being the person I am... I quit my job with nothing more than a six months savings and a library I had to pay bills for... thinking I was just taking a step of faith. I was convinced the Lord required steps of faith, so even though I was afraid (believe me... just like many others I found security in my job and my ability to work and earn a paycheck... giving up my livelihood was the most difficult thing I had done to date..) I needed to show God I trusted Him and was willing to obey.

I'm not going to talk about the next three years. Instead I will only tell you that I now refer to them as "The Dark Ages" never to be spoken of again. LOL. Seriously, those were some tough years.

So I'm just going to yadda, yadda, yadda my way past those three years :).

In the end I believed God blessed His order and only His order. Therefore I needed to follow His order which I believed to be 'a girl was to go from her father's home to her husband's home'.

So I made questionable life decision number three (the first being buying a library and second quitting the work force) and moved back with my parents. As great as my parents are, there is a humiliation moving back in with your parents when you're in your forties. And yet somehow I managed to hold onto my arrogance despite the humiliation. I figured the Lord was just taking me down before raising me up like he did Joseph, King David, and even Jesus Himself. All went down first before they were raised. So I thought that was just the process and since I was willing to go through it... then I was above those who weren't willing.

Moving home led to a caregiving position for my grandma. Given I'm not exactly known for my nurturing skills, it was a little surprising that I ended up in a caregiving role. One that ended just a month ago, so I'm still processing what this season taught me. (Side Note - I enjoyed the time with my grandma. The lesson has nothing to do with my connection with her and everything to do with the fact I was in my forties living the life of a woman in her eighties :).)

If my Library Years (Casting out the Beam in my Spirit) were about changing my understanding of the gospel (My actions showed I believed that God was a Pharaoh who required servitude for His mission), then I would say this next phase was about changing my understanding of obedience.

Rooted Assumption

Obedience is a word Christians and others alike throw around easily. Of course we want our children to obey us. And if there is a God, then it only makes sense that He being the all knowing God would also require obedience. Obedience would show that we trusted Him.

This is what I believed. To show my faith I needed to obey what I thought God was telling me.

I also believed in "waiting on the Lord". There are plenty of verses in the Bible that talk about waiting on the Lord.

Couple these two beliefs together and I had a view that was like a damsel in distress. I probably would have continued this way of thinking had my grandma not said something that made me rethink things.

She said something along the lines of, "The hardest part of being old isn't the weakness, it's losing control." She missed being able to make her own decisions. Because I was cooking, I decided what to cook. Because I was the driver, she had to wait until I felt like shopping to go anywhere (and anyone who knows me knows I hate shopping... I'm a big fan of Amazon and Walmart delivery :).). When she was lonely, she couldn't pick up the phone to call anyone because she didn't know how to work new technology like cell phones. She couldn't just up and drive to someone's house to visit.

She wasn't mourning her body as much as she was mourning her autonomy.

She was so honest and so articulate.

Here she was losing control not by her choice. Yet I freely gave up my choice, believing I was being obedient by waiting on God to change my life. I actually felt spiritually superior for my choice to sit back and wait on God, for trusting Him.

I started to reconsider what I believed about obedience... or as I called it since I didn't care for the word obedience "showing my faith to God".

Re-Examined Evidence

Because I'm a big nerd, I researched the topic and found solid psychological and neuroscientific evidence that shows the dangers of prolonged obedience and dependence.

1. Authoritarian Parenting Creates Externalized Obedience, Not Internal Wisdom. Research on parenting styles (esp. Diana Baumrind’s work) shows:

Authoritarian parenting (high control, low warmth) produces obedient children short-term—

but long-term, these children often:

• Struggle with self-regulation

• Rely on external approval to make decisions

• Lack confidence in novel or unstructured situations

In other words, obedience delays autonomy. Kids learn to comply, but not to discern. This directly mirrors what happens in religious culture that emphasizes only obedience to God, rather than developing spiritual discernment or co-creative agency.

2. Learned Helplessness (Seligman, 1975). Psychologist Martin Seligman discovered that when individuals are trained to believe they have no control, they begin to give up even when options later exist.

This is called learned helplessness—a condition in which people:

• Don’t take initiative

• Avoid decision-making

• Become passive in the face of opportunity

Neuroscience of Agency and Motivation. Studies in cognitive neuroscience show that a sense of agency—

the ability to choose and act on your own behalf—activates brain systems related to:

• Motivation (dopamine)

• Creativity (default mode network)

• Long-term goal setting (prefrontal cortex)

Without agency, those brain systems shrink from underuse, leading to:

• Passivity

• Depression

• Decision paralysis

  
  

When we suppress our internal “yes” and wait passively, the brain literally becomes less capable of vision and leadership.

Once I started to reconsider obedience, only then did Bible verses start to pop out to me that God wasn't after obedience.

• Adam was told to name the animals—not just obey. He was invited into creation—not controlled by it.

• Paul says heirs are like slaves while immature—but grow into rulers (Galatians 4:1-7). Obedience is a beginning—not the goal.

• Jesus calls His disciples friends, not servants (John 15:15). Partnership replaces blind submission.

Here I thought I was honoring God by waiting passively. But that is spiritual infancy dressed as faith.

Re-Framed Belief

Many Christians hold tightly to the idea that we are “children of God”—and we are. But somewhere along the way, we started equating child of God with spiritual childhood. We forgot that in real life, being someone’s child doesn’t mean you stay immature. I’m still my parents’ child, but I’m also an adult who governs her own life. Our relationship changed as I grew. It deepened.

The same is meant to happen with God.

Obedience is a necessary part of the spiritual journey—but it was never meant to be the final stage. Just like with human development, obedience is how we begin. Children need clear rules and external structure because they don’t yet know how to self-govern. But the goal of parenting isn’t endless obedience—it’s maturity. Parents train children to eventually make wise decisions on their own.

Spiritually, we’re meant to grow the same way.

God uses obedience to teach us to listen, to submit, to slow down, and to trust. But eventually, those lessons are meant to form something deeper in us: discernment. That’s what internal discipline really is—it’s when the voice of wisdom has taken root inside us. We’re not just reacting to commands; we’re living in alignment with His Spirit because His law has been written on our hearts.

When obedience is treated as the whole goal of the Christian life, we end up spiritualizing dependency. We keep asking God to show us what to do, not because we trust Him—but because we don’t trust ourselves.

That definitely applied to me. I desperately wanted to please God—and it’s hard to know the mind of God, right? I was afraid to make a mistake. Or to guess wrong?

And honestly I didn't know how to move forward. In school, I learned what the teachers told me to learn. In sports, I did as the coaches told me to. At work, I did what the bosses demanded. I was a hard worker - when someone else was telling me what to do.

But when I was alone... I literally did nothing but read books and write the occasional story scene. I always thought of myself as a disciplined person (except when it came to my personal time and food - but that didn't matter as long as I was a good worker).

It was eye-opening to realize I was externally disciplined, but not internally disciplined.

Reflective Invitation

I believe this was the Splinter in my soul.

For most of my life I was rewarded for doing what I was told. Teachers gave me grades. Coaches gave me direction. Bosses gave me tasks. And this makes sense. Remember I believed that God was a Boss in a way, a taskmaster who wanted His will to be done. So of course I would attract a life fulfilling the will of others.

That's why it was important for the Beam to be cast out first, allowing for this splinter to be removed.

Now that I believed God was a romantic who wanted relationships, I can believe in a God who would want to train me to become independent. Or in another word... Free.

Most people don’t connect freedom with discipline. Instead, they think freedom means escaping rules altogether. But that kind of freedom usually leads to chaos. We've all seen what happens when someone does whatever they want, whenever they want. It rarely ends well.

True freedom is being able to govern one's self.

The thing with external discipline is that it usually means you’re fulfilling someone else’s goals or mission—not your own. Like a boss... You are working to fulfill his dream. Rather than creating your own dream and working towards that.

So I think internal discipline is more than just freedom... It's a way to create and build what you enjoy, to fulfill your own dreams. Now that I believe God cares about Me and not just His mission, that means what I want matters to Him too.

Anyway, so I had to start small. Small disciplines become habits, habits change the pathways in your brain, and the pathways in your brain lead to a new life.

At least, that's what I think led to Florida... My most recent life decision.

All I really changed were small daily disciplines—and somehow, they led me here. A new state, a new life, and a lingering question: did I make an insanely wrong decision?  Or did God inspire me to make the first step in co-creating my own life rather than waiting passively for Him to give me life. Could it be that He’s actually pleased with that?

I honestly don't know what to think.  

I hope you all have a great day!

Jacqueline Marie