Casting out the Beam from My Spirit

Hey Everyone,

IT's that time of year. Most people will be preparing to send their children off to school for yet another year, settling back into routine. This is the time of year where I start reflecting. I learned a few years ago that God is a God of agriculture and just as agriculture follows seasons and timing, I believe the Lord does too. The Underground Season (which as you can guess matches the season when the seed planted is underground and growing roots), the Guiding Potential Season (which is like the first leaves of agriculture), the Actualization Season (the plants are growing and you know what they are), and then the Reflection season (which is like the Harvest).

Well this is the second month of reflection. At the beginning of the year I never could have guessed where this year would have ended, and since it was such a drastic and sudden change, I'm obviously reflecting on how I ended up here. (Spoiler for blog #3 in this series... I ended up in Florida.)

I've been looking back at the past decade and I'll be honest... there have been some crazy ass moves. I almost titled the series "Crazy Ass Moves" but AI thought that sounded a bit unprofessional and would repel Christian readers. So it suggested I title the series "Insane or Inspired".

It's fitting.

As I was looking back over the last ten years I found what I hope is a pattern. If it's not a pattern, then quite frankly I have made some very questionable life choices. LOL.

Twelve years ago in August 2013 I picked up the Bible and started reading aloud. Which I think I have probably mentioned several times. But this particular series is going to start back in 2016. I only mention the Bible Reading because that was the only discipline I added to my life that would explain why in Spring of 2016 I had the opportunity to purchase an old library building in my home town. At the time I thought God had opened a door.

Rooted Assumption

At the time, I assumed the reason we were given the library was to evangelize my hometown. In my arrogance I believed we would conquer the town for Jesus. And at the same time, I admit I thought it would show the churches how it was done. At the time I thought the churches were watered down. They barely opened a Bible and when they did, they were taking what was said out of context.

Yes I know how that sounds. I told you I was arrogant.

Side note... I hate that word arrogant. In school it never failed when it was my turn to read out loud that word would be in my paragraph. And I was so nervous I would always mispronounce the word and say "A-row-gant". Yeah... embarrassing.

Anyway, I believed... God didn't just give the library to us for two people. Of course it would be for a lot of people. It just needed time to grow. I know God was pleased with the idea that SOMEONE was finally reading His word. All I had to do was make hearing the Bible EASY for people.

Obviously if it's easy to get to know the Lord, then people would do it. I just needed to do the hard work for people, and then they would come. So I read the Bible out loud every day (yep including all the names in the first nine chapters of Chronicles). I purchased evangelistic dvds to hand out free for people.

Yadda, yadda, yadda... You get the idea.

Re-Examined Evidence

Despite the fact there wasn't any fruit, I continued for years. Like most evangelists I convinced myself that all I could do was plant seeds. It's not my fault if no body wanted to hear about the Lord. The world was a fallen world and so few people wanted Jesus.

that's what I believed in the beginning. But as I continued reading the Bible forty-five minutes a day, stories started popping up and a few of them started forcing me to ask questions.

1. John 15:5–6 – The Vine Produces Fruit, Always

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

• Not “you might bear fruit” — you will.

2. Matthew 13:23 – Good Soil Bears Fruit in Multiples

“But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

• Fruit is the expected outcome of good seed in good soil.

• If nothing is growing, you have to ask: Is the soil good? Is the seed actually whole?

3. Luke 13:6–9 – The Barren Fig Tree

   “For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?”

   Jesus tells a parable about a tree that looks alive but has no fruit.

   The delay of judgment is mercy — but fruit is still expected.

   If you’re alive in Him, there should be evidence. If not, something deeper is wrong.

   
   

4. And the one that really got me.... “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are.”

I had to face the fact I did not have any fruit. The one good thing about that is I hadn't won even one single convert, so at least I didn't make someone twice the child of hell. There's that. LOL.

My first thinking was I must suck as an evangelist. But honestly my goal wasn't necessarily evangelism. It was Bible Reading. I thought if I read the word of God, that He would be pleased and He would send the people.

So I couldn't understand why I was failing. the Bible is the most powerful book... right? Why wasn't it changing anything?

Re-framed Belief

Things were changing though. Just not the way I thought they would. I thought the external would change. That the library would be full, there would be people listening to the Bible, the Bible would change them, they would evangelize, and things would grow.

Well I learned this little Fun Fact. People value outcomes more when they've worked harder to obtain them.

It sounds so obvious. I don't know how I missed it.

• Science says: what’s easy is often undervalued.

• Psychology says: people need to invest to care.

• Jesus says: discipleship comes through cost and testing.

Here I was making it easy, I was paying for the library, I was doing the Bible Reading, I was doing all the hard work thinking if I made it easier for people, they would flock to the Lord. But relationships are built on investment.

Which brings me to the real change that was happening. Outward, there was zero fruit. No numbers. No one was coming.

But I was changing. I was putting in the hard work, I was investing.

And I came out with a completely different gospel which changed the entire trajectory of my life.

Reflective Insight

My gospel which if you have read my previous blogs changed from a more work based gospel to a romantic gospel. I know most Christians would not describe their gospel as a work based gospel as they know the verse about being saved by grace through faith. I knew this verse too.

But in reality, my actions showed that I believed in a work based gospel. I needed to set aside all my wants, deny myself, and serve God and His mission. I believed God was pleased when I ignored my wants and dreams to fulfill His. I believed I needed to become a servant to serve God's mission, and if I served people they would want Jesus more.

Blah, blah, blah. name a Christian cliche I believed it and tried to live by it.

In the end it was about God's wants.

But that's not a romantic gospel. God created two genders. In the garden of Eden, he didn't make Adam a buddy... but He gave Adam a woman. the entire Bible is about a wedding... a bride and a bridegroom.

And if that doesn't convince you this one got me... the antichrist.... shall regard neither the God of his fathers nor the desire of women, nor regard any god; for he shall exalt himself above them all.

I used to take that verse as the antichrist might be gay. But the more I read that verse the more I thought the vision I had of God fit that description. A God who did not care for my wants and desires... I needed to deny myself to serve His cause and make Him happy.

If a husband tells his wife... "Honey I want you to deny your wants and desires to fulfill my wants... because my wants are holier... for my great name...".... well honestly that sounds an awful like that verse above and that's kind of what I believed about God.

Long Story short... I changed my belief. God is a Matchmaker. A romantic. And that changed the entire Bible for me. The stories I had read many times before, now had a new context.

Looking back now after ten years, I wonder if the library years were Insane or Inspired. Outwardly, the library idea was a massive failure. An idea for a church that failed epically. We sold the library in 2022 without ever having outward fruit.

But... the Bible says it's job is to transform your life by first renewing your mind. When I began the library years I didn't really think I needed my mind renewed. But that's what happened.

And that led to my Crazy Ass Move Number 2. Quitting my Job.

Yeah... I did that. No I wasn't rich. I only had a six months savings to my name. And the next three years were the hardest in my life as I tried to hold onto this new Gospel that women were different than men. And therefore I needed to go against the accepted ideas and respectable actions to change my disciplines.

Instead of reading the Bible out loud (which I believe is a man's job), I started hearing the Bible on youtube. Instead of playing sermons for the public, I stopped listening because men should be sharpening each other not sharpening women, and the biggest leap of faith... I quit my job believing women have a different purpose.

Was that decision Insane or Inspired? Whatever it was, it leads me to blog #2. Removing the Beam from My Soul.

Until next time, I hope you have a great day!

Jacqueline Marie