The Unspoken Illusion of Settling

Stolen Legacies Series - Part 3

Hey Everyone,

For most of my adult life, I’ve chased the feeling of being settled. I thought it would come when I got married. That was the vision: a husband, a home, and the emotional relief of no longer waiting. But because I was overweight, I believed marriage would never come. So then how could I ever feel settled?

Maybe I’d feel settled when I could afford my own place. Maybe when I made enough to cover my bills without stress. So I did the work. I paid the mortgage. I worked extra hours. I budgeted. And with each milestone, I expected to feel secure.

But that settled feeling never arrived. In fact, the harder I worked, the more pressure I felt. I didn’t feel at peace. I felt behind. And I began to believe that marriage must be the only way a woman could ever feel settled.

But then I started watching married women around me—women who had the house, the husband, the children. And many of them still carried the same burdens they thought marriage would resolve. One friend shared that she thought marriage would cure her loneliness. Another said she expected financial security—but now worries about money more than ever.

It made me question what I was really chasing.

Rooted Assumption: External Achievements Will Settle Internal Restlessness

We are taught—both culturally and in the church—that milestones bring relief. Marriage means we’re chosen. A house means we’re secure. Children mean we’re fulfilled. A stable job means we’re valuable.

It sounds logical. But it’s not true.

We attach meaning to milestones:

• "When I get married, I’ll finally feel chosen."

• "When I buy a house, I’ll feel stable."

• "When I have children, I’ll feel complete."

• "When I land the right job, I’ll stop worrying."

  
  

We think those moments will give us permission to rest. But more often, they bring more striving. A perfect example of this is found in literature through **Mrs. Bennet from **Pride and Prejudice. She married into the gentry believing it would secure her future. But with five daughters and no son, she was more anxious than ever. Marriage didn’t settle her. It amplified her fear.

Re-examined Evidence: Why External Milestones Cannot Settle the Soul

Psychologically and spiritually, the truth is this: external achievements do not regulate your nervous system or secure your soul. Here’s what the evidence shows:

• Symbolic Substitution: We try to satisfy internal needs with external symbols (marriage, job, home). But this never produces lasting peace.

• Loneliness in Marriage: A 2021 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that loneliness within marriage leads to lower marital satisfaction and increased anxiety for both partners.

• Health Outcomes: According to the Journal of Health Psychology, people who feel lonely while married experience worse health than singles with strong community ties.

• Financial Pressure: Marriage doesn’t erase money stress. In many cases, financial responsibilities and unmet expectations increase after marriage.

• Expert Insight (Dr. Alexandra Solomon): "Marriage doesn’t erase your loneliness. If anything, it brings it closer to the surface."

  
  

Not only do these external milestones fail to provide the settledness we expect—they often amplify the very struggles we hoped they’d fix. Marriage, in particular, doesn’t conceal these issues. It magnifies them. Because marriage is a mirror.

Evidence That Marriage Acts as a Mirror:

• Psychological Reflection: Dr. Dan Siegel describes close relationships as "interpersonal mirrors" that reflect back the parts of ourselves we suppress or deny.

• Emotional Alignment in Marriage: A study using the Actor–Partner Interdependence Model (APIM) found that spouses often subconsciously assume their partner's emotions based on their own emotional state. This alignment is more pronounced when there’s depression—highlighting how one partner mirrors emotional wounds back to the other (Study available via NIH and APIM sources.)

• Michelangelo Phenomenon: From Drigotas et al. (1999): close romantic partners actively shape (“sculpt”) each other toward their ideal selves—or inadvertently pull each other away from them. This isn’t magical; it demonstrates how we constantly reflect and influence who the other becomes en.wikipedia.org.

• Embodied Synchrony & Emotional Convergence: Robert Zajonc’s work uncovered that long-term spouses physically resemble each other over decades—not just from shared diet or environment, but even facial expression patterns. In essence, living together mirrors bodies, emotions, and behaviors pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+15en.wikipedia.org+15en.wikipedia.org+15.

• Ailey Jolie's Insight: "If you’re emotionally unwell, you won’t feel settled in a mansion. If you’re lonely, you’ll feel lonelier in a crowded marriage."

  
  

Knowing your marriage is a mirror, if you find yourself "discontent" this is not condemnation. It’s invitation. When marriage mirrors your unrest, it’s an opportunity to heal—not an excuse to blame.

Reframed Belief: What We’re Really After Isn’t Settling. It’s Rest.

Most women say they want to be "settled"—but what we really mean is we want to feel at peace. We want to stop striving. We want safety, stability, and to finally exhale.

The word settle comes from the Latin sedere, meaning "to sit." At its core, to be settled means to be seated—positioned in a place of rest. But that kind of rest doesn’t come from milestones. It comes from trust.

We know God gives rest, and we also know there is no rest for the wicked.  So what is rest and how is it related to trust?  

I recently learned something surprising about labor: it’s not the contractions that move the baby forward. They apply pressure, yes—the most significant physiological shifts—the ones that allow the baby to descend—happen during the rest between contractions. I always assumed it was the contractions doing the work. But it turns out, the body does its most significant repositioning in the stillness between the effort.

Over the past year, I believe the Lord has been teaching me that we are co-creators of our lives. I’ve wrestled with this truth from both extremes. On one side, I’ve believed it was all on me—that if this is my life, then I must be the one to fix it, strive harder, and make things happen. Then I pendulum swung to the other side becoming super-religious and assumed this must be the life God wants me to endure—a test to see if I’ll smile through the suffering and still love Him.

So it's been a bit of a learning curve to understand how we co-create our external lives.  Our internal beliefs, combined with our daily disciplines—what we physically do each day—make up our part of the co-creation.  And then God moves our lives forward as Jesus said, "According to your faith let it be done to you" (Matthew 9:29).

The challenge is knowing you are co-creating the life you are living AND seeing that life honestly.  Thus the reason marriage is a mirror.  Your external life in general is a mirror to allow you to SEE what is inside of you.  

So if being settled is rest, and rest is found in trust, then I think trust can be found in knowing how God works.  (I don't believe in blind trust or blind faith as I think Faith is the substance of things hoped for... note the word substance.)

We know God is a good God.  And we know He works all things for our good.  But we don't understand why things are happening or why life isn't changing.  Knowing that we are co-creators, that God moves us according to our faith and our faith is shown through our external disciplines which reflect our internal beliefs...  then we can analyze our lives, question our beliefs, change our disciplines...  and then trust God will act accordingly.  

Reflective Invitation: Your Life Is Speaking. Are You Listening?

So if your life is a mirror—what is it showing you?

Don’t compare it to someone else’s. If you are married and discontent, don’t look at a single woman to feel better.  if you're single, don't look at a married woman in pain and feel justified in being single.  Don’t use someone else’s pain to avoid your own.  

Because God wants to help us. He is a good God—and a good God desires to heal. Our longing for rest, for the feeling of being settled, is not wrong. It’s God-given. And it’s okay to bring your pain to Him—even the small, nagging frustrations. Not so He can fix everything while you stay passive, but so you can fix it together. As Scripture says, “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12). He doesn’t work around us. He works with us.

Your current reality—your marriage, your home, your body, your budget—is co-created by your beliefs, your actions, and your trust in God. If something feels off, that’s not failure. That’s an invitation.

See your reality for what it is. Ask the hard questions. Seek the truth. Here’s something that might save you a few years: truth is multi-dimensional. Yes, there is one Truth—but there are two sides to that coin. That’s why God made them male and female.

For years, I kept seeking truth in the Bible. But I was using masculine disciplines—structure, logic, striving—and my life remained painfully misaligned. After reading the Bible cover to cover four times a year for nearly a decade, I came to a controversial—but clarifying—realization: the Bible is written to men. Not in exclusion, but in perspective. It speaks to the visible, external, masculine frame.

And just like a table has a surface we eat on and an underside we rarely look at—so does Scripture. The feminine is often hidden beneath, in shadow. Uncovering that side was the beginning of a healing I didn’t know I needed.

Once you begin to see truth in its full dimension, you can start making small changes in your life to reflect that new belief.

And then God will do His part and act accordingly.  

I hope you all have a great day,

Jacqueline Marie